What is adversity?

 

Adversity – we know it when we experience it. Adversity comes in many forms, from a difficult situation, to an unfortunate event, a spell of bad luck, or things just not going our way. Sometimes defined as misfortune or distress, and casually referred to as a “bad break” or “hard knocks,” adversity can show up in different ways. No matter how it arrives, however, adversity is just plain old unpleasant. It can be terrible to experience, and it’s hard to watch our loved ones go through with it. And unfortunately for dancers and dance parents, there is plenty of adversity to go around in dance training.

 

How does adversity affect dancers?

 

Adversity in dance will look different, depending on your child’s age, experience, skill level, training environment, and dance goals. When dancers face adversity, it may come in the form of:

• Not placing well at competition
• Doing poorly during a performance
• Not getting the audition results they wanted
• Not getting the role they were hoping for
• Not moving up to the next level in class
• Struggling to achieve technique elements
• Feeling as though they can’t keep up with their peers
• Trouble with dance friends
• Not connecting with their dance teachers

I cannot emphasize this point enough: your dancer will have negative experiences as part of their dance training, no matter how great their school is or how nice their teachers are. They will certainly feel bad when things don’t go their way, and it will be uncomfortable for everyone – including you. Because your dancer is likely very passionate about dance, their feelings about the hardship they experience in their dance training are very real to them. While unpleasant, these hardships are inevitable – they are a part of the dance experience (and, let’s be honest, part of life in general!). It is vital that you support your dancer through them, even if you don’t really understand what they are going through or why it is so important for them.

 

Why adversity can actually be a good thing for dancers

 

Here’s the deal, though – as uncomfortable as it can be, adversity isn’t all bad. When things don’t go our way, it can help us develop critical life skills and traits that are essential for our future success and happiness. We learn from the adversity we face in dance. By dealing with negative experiences head-on, we develop persistence, patience, acceptance, humility, empathy, and most importantly, resilience. These skills are crucial, because they help us to cope with big emotions like disappointment, frustration, uncertainty, and even anger. Having strong coping skills can ultimately help reduce anxiety and increase satisfaction with our life circumstances. If we don’t experience adversity when we are young, we don’t have the opportunity to develop those skills, and it becomes harder to deal with the challenges that come with adult life and independence. You can read more about how adversity can be a good thing for dancers in this blog post. 

 

How parents can help their children deal with adversity in dance

 

Dance parents, with all this in mind, I have a difficult task for you:

The next time your dancer is disappointed with their competition scores, team placement, audition results, or the way their class is going, let them face the adversity, struggle, and even failure that comes with being a dancer. Don’t automatically try to challenge their placement, negotiate a better part, or get them into a difference class.

It’s not easy when our kids face adversity, and doesn’t feel good (for anyone) in the moment, but it can often be the best thing we do for our kids. Letting them experience struggle, and teaching them how to handle it with grit and grace, will equip them with skills and qualities needed for a happy and fulfilling life in and out of the studio.

 

Ways to support your child when they are experiencing adversity in dance

 

We know that experiencing adversity can actually be good for dancers, but that doesn’t mean they need to deal with it all on their own. You can, and should, be there to support your dancer through times of adversity. Here are a few simple ways that you can help your child when they experience adversity in their dance training:

 

Let your dancer experience their emotions authentically

 

Dancers will feel strong emotions in the midst of adversity, and they might express those emotions in a very big way: crying, yelling, whining, arguing, making a fuss, withdrawing, or projecting their anger and frustration to other areas of their lives. Having a full and rich experience of those emotions, as uncomfortable as it might be, is part of the process of learning how to deal with them. So as long as your dancer is not hurting themselves or anyone else, give them a little time to experience the emotions as they are. This can be hard for parents, who – speaking from my own experience as a mom – often want to make the pain go away for their kids. But to the extent you are able, it is vitally important that you:

• Don’t brush off how your dancer is feeling, by saying things like, “It’s just dance,” “It’s just one competition,” or “You’ll feel better soon.”
• Don’t immediately try to shut down your dancer’s emotional expression by automatically saying things like, “You don’t have to cry about this,” or “You’re overreacting.”
• Don’t rush to console your dancer with reminders of past wins, upcoming opportunities to redeem themselves, or negative talk about their teammates, competitors, or teachers.
• Don’t even try to distract your dancer with treats, toys, or other kinds of “consolation prizes,” at least not right away.
• Don’t try to assign blame to others to take the pain away: “That competition wasn’t fair,” or “Your teacher is obviously playing favorites.”

The best way you can support your dancer in the immediate aftermath of adversity is to sit with them in the big feelings and discomfort. Be there with them through the experience. Honor the spectrum of emotions they are having during it. Some ways that you can do this are to

• Acknowledge your dancer and what they are experiencing: “I can see that you are hurting/frustrated/angry/sad right now. It looks like what you are going through really stinks.”
• Affirm your dancer’s experience and their reaction to it: “It’s okay to feel bad about this. Your emotions are natural and it’s important to feel them.”
• Empathize with your dancer: “I feel badly too when things don’t go my way. I bet if I was in your shoes, I’d be feeling the same way.”

 

Give your dancer opportunities to safely process their feelings

 

When big feelings hit, young people may not be able to process exactly what those feelings are, or understand why they are experiencing them so strongly. It is important to let your dancer experience their emotions authentically as they come, but it’s also important to give them opportunities to process what they are feeling and why. After acknowledging, affirming, and empathizing with your dancers, you can begin to help them process the emotions they are feeling. Journaling, drawing, creative play, dance improvisation, and free writing are all great options for emotional processing.

Dance parents can ask gentle questions that will help their dancer analyze their feelings. Here are a few of my favorite questions, but you may find that some work better than others for your dancer:

• What are five words that summarize how you are feeling? The, you can try asking them for three, then one word that best expresses how they feel. This will help them really distill the emotions down to the one(s) that are having the biggest impact.
• What emoji(s) best sums up how you are feeling? This is a silly way to help your dancer identify their feeling without having to use a lot of words.
• What is your body feeling? Ask your dancer to identify areas of tension, physical symptoms like nausea, or places where they may hold on to stress and anger physically. For more on how the body experiences and processes emotions, check out the work of dance/movement therapist Erica Hornthal.
• What has changed? How did you feel when (adverse situation first occurred)? How do you feel now? Has anything changed? Why or why not?

No matter how you choose to support your dancer as their process their feelings, try to stay as nonjudgemental as possible. Remember that this is their experience, and you are there to help them understand how they are feeling, not impose your perspective upon them.

 

Help your dancer work on growth mindset

 

Originally conceived by Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University, growth mindset is described by Psychology Today as “the belief that a person’s capacities and talents can be improved over time.” Growth mindset is key for success in dance – and in life! When a dancer has a growth mindset, they recognize that adversity can be tool for positive change. They can see setbacks and disappointments as opportunity to grow, develop their skills, and learn new things. Of course, this is very difficult, even for adults! You can’t expect young dancers to automatically have a growth mindset, as most of us are not built that way. You can, however, help foster growth mindset in your dancer over time. When they experience adversity, you can help your dancer develop growth mindset by:

• Showing them the value in the entire process, not just the end result. Not scoring well at competition stinks – there is no two ways around that. But instead of focusing on the placement, instead try naming and acknowledging all that your dancer learned and how much they have grown through the process of learning the choreography, rehearsing, preparing for the competition, and performing on stage.
• Teaching them the power of “yet.” This is a great step to take after you have allowed your dancer to experience their emotions authentically and safely process them – and it is a simple one, too! When your dancer says something like, “I didn’t place well at competition,” you can reframe the statement by just adding the word “yet” – “I didn’t place well at competition, yet.” This tiny addition can help them recognize that achieving their goals is a process, and it’s okay to still be in the middle of it.
• Helping them set realistic goals and develop a plan to achieve them. In the midst of adversity, your dancer may feel like they will never get out of it. Goal-setting can help dancers plan a way out of their adverse situation – and help them find agency and empowerment in the process. If they keep falling out of turns, for example, setting a goal to master a triple pirouette within a 6-month time frame can be a good goal. They can then break that big goal down into smaller achievements, like doing a clean single, balancing in the correct position for 16 counts, and finding a strong preparation. As part of the goal-setting process, they can create a plan to achieve their goals, including what they need to work on, how they can working on it, and even a working schedule. The Holistic Guide to Goal Setting for Dancers will guide you and your dancer through the entire goal-setting process, with fillable PDF worksheets to make it easy and effective!

 

Model resilience for you dancer in your own life

 

Children learn what they live – so it is important that we live our lives in ways that model important life skills and qualities like resilience. Modeling resilience can come in how we talk about ourselves, how we express our emotions, how we respond to negative situations, and how we take accountability for our circumstances. How we respond to adversity in our lives can provide our dancers with the framework they need to handle tough situation in a healthy way.

Give your child the independence to handle the adverse situation on their own

 

Okay, here is the hardest part, but it’s so important: give your child the independence to handle the adverse situation on their own. I mentioned this above, but it is worth repeating here. Trying to “fix” your dancer’s circumstances by intervening in casting, level placement, scoring, friend drama, and teacher-student relationships will not benefit them in the long run. Repeat that with me: it will not benefit my dancer in the long run. It may temporarily ease a little heartache, but it will not help them develop the skills they need to cope with negative experiences later in their lives, when the stakes are higher and they may not have us around for support and encouragement. Life is full of negative experiences, and we do our children no favors by trying to shelter them from every bit of adversity. It is essential that we let our kids experience some adversity, and use the experience to teach them how to handle it by allowing them to experience their emotions, helping them process their feelings, fostering growth mindset, and modeling resilience in our own lives. Give your child the independence they need to handle the adverse experience rather than swooping in to fix it for them.

Of course, there are times when parental intervention is absolutely necessary. If you suspect any form of abuse or intentionally harmful mistreatment, then of course you need to act immediately and using any means necessary. And, if you suspect your child is struggling with their mental health, then you need to intervene on their behalf to get them the treatment they need. Absent these complications, however, the above steps will help your dancer handle adversity independently. I think you’ll be amazed at their capacity!

Read more

• 8 Invaluable Life Skills Students Learn Through Dance
• 5 Vital Social-Emotional Skills Learned Through Dance – And How to Teach Them!
• What I *Really* Teach as a Dance Educator

 

Do you have questions about adversity in dance, or want more advice on how to help your dancer help with adverse situation in their dance training? Leave a comment, or contact me! I’d also love to hear your stories about how you help your dancers through times – we can always learn from one another. I also invite you to check out my Resources page for tools to help support your dancer in their training, or join us on Facebook in The Holistic Dance Parent Group!